my hair has too much hairspray
my eyes have too much kohl
my mind never stops
and my body never starts
my feet are tingling
from sitting on them too long
i am filled with anticipation
but nothing is going on
i feel like nothing and everything

it is all in your head

all i want is to feel less lost. to have all the answers. well, to have some of the answers. even if they aren't right. to have answers, to make decisions, would make things so much easier. but life feels so final. you do one thing and it will change your life. for some reason that scares me. instead i avoid decision making and end up in an unhappy stupor where nothing gets accomplished and i remain unhappy. i guess i am making my decision now. i decide to be happy. when i wake up tomorrow i will be happy and determined. i will make the necessary changes and will keep up with my decision to go to school in the fall. while there i will work my hardest and do my best. i have to know that i am worth something. the life i am living right now isn't doing that for me. so that means i have to change some things. no more lying in bed wallowing in self pity, that is the liz of today, the liz of tomorrow will be working toward some goal, making something of herself. but every time i am happy my head is plotting something behind my back. my life is run by chemicals. so maybe my synapses don't fire as much as most people, i don't want to have to live this way but there is no way i am dying this way either. determination, come unto me.

coming apart at the seams

having an episode. today was rainy and gray. finally just hours ago the sun decided grace me with its presence. knowing my mom and her ability to find the good in everything (barf!) she made me go for a walk with her where she went on and on about the beautiful sound of the birds singing and the green grass. we had to stop and look at buds on a tree. the start of life. somewhere in my mind i could see clarity but every time i would try to reach out for it it was gone. somewhere in my mind i could see the light, the sunshine, the happiness but it was too far away. i felt like running to it. begging it not to leave me. but that never works. things never happen the easy way. i have missed two days of work now and will probably be scared stiff come morning but i am determined to go to work tomorrow. i don't know how to explain this feeling. it feels numb. it feels apathetic. i dont want to care because then i will know how little i have to care about. what do i live for? so i can go to work and make minimum wage so that every six months i can live for 90 minutes? this isn't worth it anymore. i called the doctors, thinking (and possibly hoping) that they would just institutionalize me but as luck would have it, they just prescribed me stronger pills. hello, i have read prozac nation, i know how this is going to end. on our walk my mom told me that i should write a journal of my fights with depression and anxiety. she tells me that i am a good writer. but what would i write about? how i have no friends, no purpose? who would want to read that? not me. i want to get better but i feel like my life is a game of chutes and ladders. thinks can quickly move up or down but every time i am up and i so afraid of going back down. this isn't a competition though. this is life. and it sucks.