all i want is to feel less lost. to have all the answers. well, to have some of the answers. even if they aren't right. to have answers, to make decisions, would make things so much easier. but life feels so final. you do one thing and it will change your life. for some reason that scares me. instead i avoid decision making and end up in an unhappy stupor where nothing gets accomplished and i remain unhappy. i guess i am making my decision now. i decide to be happy. when i wake up tomorrow i will be happy and determined. i will make the necessary changes and will keep up with my decision to go to school in the fall. while there i will work my hardest and do my best. i have to know that i am worth something. the life i am living right now isn't doing that for me. so that means i have to change some things. no more lying in bed wallowing in self pity, that is the liz of today, the liz of tomorrow will be working toward some goal, making something of herself. but every time i am happy my head is plotting something behind my back. my life is run by chemicals. so maybe my synapses don't fire as much as most people, i don't want to have to live this way but there is no way i am dying this way either. determination, come unto me.